Batang Bata Ka Pa

[Eh Kasi Bata Part Two]

I don’t think the buck stops here. A third installment might be in the offing. But I’m seriously thinking about that pa… I need to save me some dignity rin naman!

Sayang wala akong Eh Kasi Bata mp3 to play as I write this, kaya si Buboy Garrovillo na lang pinakanta ko. (Ganyan talaga ang buhay…)

1. I used to bed wet, and it was really embarrassing. The only good thing that came out of it was that I was left alone to sleep on my bed. Yung mga pinsan ko, pinapatulog sa banig pag nag-slee-sleep over sa amin. Di bale na sa kanila ang matigas ang higaan, wag ko lang maihian. 
2. My grandparents, who were farmers, were so poor that our barong-barong in the province didn’t have a decent bathroom. The dark ‘batalan’ appendaged to the back of our kubo was also the kitchen, bath, and toilet. In fact, for their young apos like us, the toilet consisted of a strip of newspaper laid out on the bamboo slats. After relieving ourselves, tinutupi lang ni Nanay Tidad (lola ko) yung newspaper at iniitcha yon sa gubat sa likod nung dampa namin. It was pitiful, but we survived! Eventually, napagawan na ng mga kamag-anak namin ng sementadong banyo yung bahay nina lolo’t lola. 
3. My relatives and I used to go to Antipolo to go to church there. Pag-uwi, lagi kaming bumibili ng cashew nuts. In one instance, na-pilit ko parents ko na bumili ng myna bird. Promise kasi nung tindero, kaya raw itong maturuan magsalita. 

   I immediately felt like he was going to be my favorite pet dahil siya lang ang eventually e makakasagot sa akin pag kinausap ko. Excited at the prospect, di ko tinantanan sa speech lessons yung ibon. Di naman natuto-tuto. By the time I gave up, past midnight na. I decided to give it a rest. Because we also owned a cat, natakot akong baka kainin siya ng pusa while we were sleeping. So I hung the myna’s cage sa may bubong. Wala namang ready hook doon, kaya isinabit ko na lang siya sa may bumbilya. 

   The next morning, patay na yung myna. Ginawa kong escape goat yung pusa namin, pero I suspected na sa scorching heat ng incandescent bulb namatay yung kawawang ibon. 

4. I was a godfather as young as 3 years old. Kaya yung pinsan kong si JR, instead of Kuya, Ninong Raz ang tawag sa kin. At dahil politician pa si Daddy noon, pag nakuha na siya na ninong sa kasal o sa binyag ng panganay, ako na yung sunod na kinukuha. No wonder di ko na mabilang at makilala ang lahat ng inaanak ko ngayon. I wouldn’t be surprised if may 50+ na sila. 
5. Monthly treat sa bahay namin ang “Flavor of the Month” ng Magnolia. Tanda ko pa na buwan buwan ay may bagong commercial ang Magnolia, its theme in keeping with the new flavor. Seeing those TV ads air was my cue to pester my dad about the much-coveted indulgence. I still remember riding my bike para pumunta sa ‘bakery,’ ang tanging tindahan na nag-bebenta ng ice cream within the village. 
6. Wednesday evening was Wrestling Night. During summer, we’d stay up late till 11PM to watch Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, The Undertaker, Andre the Giant, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, the Bushwackers and other wrestling greats. Dito nagsimula ang obsession naming magpipinsan sa tag-team wrestling games namin. JR and I were the Rockers. Ako si Shawn Michaels at sya si Marty Jannetty! 

   One Wednesday, sa sobrang obsession namin sa panonood, di namin pinansin yung narinig naming kalampag sa tagiliran ng bahay namin. The next day, nalaman namin na nanakaw na pala from under our nose yung tatlong case ng beer na dapat e handa ng daddy ko para sa isang party. 

7. “Bahay Sa Balete” in “Big Bang Sa Alabang” is still the best theme park haunted house I’ve ever been to. I still remember how authentic the experience was, and how I dreaded the thought of having to exit through the “Labasan Ng Mga Duwag.” 
8. I truly believed that inside radio sets lived little people, at sila ang naririnig nating kumakanta, nag-da-drama, at nag-kokomentaryo araw-araw. 
9. Sa lumang school ko, I first encountered the word GIRAFFE. Dahil mukhang magkakambal ang mga letrang F at E, ang g-i-r-a-f-f-e, ay nagmukhang g-i-r-a-f-E-E sa aking mga mata. Basta alam ko may dobleng letra, kaya na-confuse ko ang double F with double E.Kaya naman pag-lipat ko sa Zobel, ang giraffe ay pino-pronounce kong ji-ra-FEE.
10. Brother Felix from Zobel (wonder where he is now?) was the first person to ever call me Razmatazz. He’s also one of the kindest, funnest, warmest men I’ve ever known. 
11. Crush ko dati yung president ng Grade 2 class namin. Ang ganda na niya, ang talino pa, magaling pa mag-drawing. As president, syempre siya ang model student. Siya rin ang inaatasang magsulat ng Noisy at Standing sa blackboard pag walang teacher. Pag nalista ka don, di naman forever. Pag natahimik ka kase, o pag umupo ka na, binubura na.Alam ko naman na may pagka-makulit at malikot ako pag minsan. Pero nung isang beses, nilingon ko lang yung classmate kong si Stanley para bayaran yung utang kong piso sa kanya, isinulat ba naman ako ni Miss President sa “Noisy.” Feeling ko unfair, pero nagpaka-behave ako. As in di na ko kumibo after. Nakakainis dahil unti-unti nang nabura lahat ng pangalan sa Noisy at Standing, di pa rin binubura yung pangalan ko. Nang dumating tuloy si Mrs. Coronel, yung adviser namin, name ko na lang ang nasa listahan.

    Dun nawala ang paghanga ko sa class president namin.

12. Na-rerealize ko ngayon kung gano ka-materyoso yung culture namin sa Zobel. Every Wednesday kase, Mission Collection – which is like the offertory part of the mass kung kailan nag-iikot ang mga manang collecting money from the parishioners. E hello, estudyante pa lang kaya kame, living off on P20 allowances. But no, madalas, nagpapagalingan talaga ang lahat. Palakihan ng kontribusyon. Yung nasa unahan ng row, i-no-note kung magkano ang inihulog mo dun sa brown wooden box. At di lang yon, if pinakamalaki yung contribusyon mo, you are named Most Generous, and it is written on the blackboard – “SAVE!” for one week. 
13. I still consider watching how Kris Aquino fell from the risers of GMA Supershow while singing the Pido Dida theme song with the late Rene Requiestas as one of the greatest TV privileges of my life. 
14. Nagkaron ako ng sobrang cute na aso na pinangalanan naming Fluffy. Its fur was as soft as cotton and even though askal lang siya, he was as cute as a button. I loved him so much na nagpakuha ako ng picture with him, hoping to have it framed. Pero bago pa madevelop yung picture, namatay na siya. Saka lang sinabi sa kin ng mga kamag-anak ko yung pamahiin na masama daw kunan ng litrato ang aso dahil namamatay. Ewan kung imbento lang nila yon, pero sineryoso ko siya. Ilang gabi rin akong umiyak dahil sa guilt sa pagpatay kay Fluffy.
    
15. Aside from the myna, and Fluffy, and countless other dogs, nagkaron rin ako ng pusa, dagang costa, love birds, at rabbit, na namatay sa lamig nang iwan ko siya para matulog sa labas ng kwarto ko. Obviously, di okay ang track record ko with pets as a kid. 
16. Nauso nung grade school yung Cops And Robbers. Ang saya cause there were days all of the boys in our class would be playing during recess or lunch. Sometimes, it’ll be our class against another section. Special sa ken yung mga yon dahil mabilis ako tumakbo. So even if I’m always the smallest in class, I earned the respect of my classmates. 
17. Naging paborito kong prutas for a time yung avocado. Kasi, rare at violet, tapos green ang loob, at ang sarap pag ginawang shake! In hopes of beating the dictates of nature, my cousins and I took the humongous seed that our helper has thrown into the trash, and decided to plant our own avocado tree so we can have our avocado fix anytime of the year. We picked the perfect spot sa tagiliran ng bahay namin at binakuran pa ng walis-tingting at kawayan, para i-ensure ang bright future ng bago naming pet tree.The next day, nang bisitahin namin para tingnan kung may tumubo na (we were impatient), sa halip na seedling ay isang tumpok ng dog poop sa nakasalampak sa gitna ng fence na ginawa namin ang aming dinatnan. Naisip namin, siguro dahil pinulot lang namin sa basura yung buto ng avocado at madumi na, hindi na gumagana. Pero ang lalong di ko maintindihan e kung pano pa nakuhang i-sakto ni Reagan (ang aming beloved askal) yung poopoo

    niya sa gitna ng maliit na make-shift fence na yon. 

18. I used to want all the toys that were being featured in Uncle Bob’s Lucky Seven Club, lalo na yung mga action figures. E dahil struggling couple making ends meet ang magulang ko, di naman ako nabibilhan. Ang nag-iisang pag-aari ko e “Rey Stantz” action figure na pinaglumaan ng kaibigan ko at na-arbor ko lang. I had to content myself with the cheap toys na kasama sa Jolly Meals… kaya kung ano-anong porma na ni Jollibee, Hetty Spaghetti, Mr. Yum at Popo ang nakolekta ko. May pantasa, pambura, pang-decorate sa dulo ng ballpen at kung anu-ano pa.Pag tumingin ka noon sa estante ng

    mga laruan ko, on opposing sides were the forces of good and evil. Sa right, Rey Stantz is joined by a very old Spiderman doll (as in doll – it was filled with cotton), a Batman plastic figure na nabili ko ng 20 pesos sa piyesta (unlike the former, hangin lang ang laman nito at nayuyupi siya pag naupuan), at isang defective RC na ang remote control ay nakakakabit pa sa kotse sa pamamagitan ng maikling kable.Kaharap nila sa left side ang aking designated villains, ang hebigats na tropa nina Jollibee.

19. Nang una kaming magka-kotse, sa sobrang proud ko, naging libangan ko ang maglaro sa loob non. Kala mo naman ang laki ng corolla. Minsan, para lang maiba, ang nagiging objective ko e ang manatili sa trunk at i-imagine kung anong gagawin ko pag nakulong ako dito. Like that was actually a possibility.
    
20. In and out ako sa ospital as a kid. Bukod sa asthma, may seafood allergies pa ko. Nung isang beses, ni-rush ako sa hospital ng Tita ko who was my guardian because I felt this terrible pain at my side. I was told that I needed to undergo an appendectomy. In preparation, I was not allowed to eat for a day. Dahil makulit ako, I’d secretly eat crackers when no one was looking. Syempre, nabuking, so na-reset yung one day fasting ko.The hour before I was scheduled for

    operation, dumating na finally yung Dad ko. He got into a heated argument with the doctor. Pagbalik niya sa bed ko, may kasama nang nurse si Daddy at pinagtatanggal na dextrose ko. Di na daw kailangan yung operation.Sana sa simula pa lang nakipag-away na yung tatay ko. May tatlong araw akong naduling sa gutom para sa wala.

21. There was a time when it wasn’t abnormal for me and my family to enter the movie house in the middle of a film. Kung sa bagay, Horsy-Horsy Tigidig-tigidig at Wake Up Little Susie lang naman ang mga pinapanood namin. Actually, naglalaro lang naman kaming mga bata sa sinehan e. More than the film, ang inaabangan namin ng mga pinsan ko e yung panahon before the movie starts, when the house lights were on. My cousins and I would be playing dun sa may ledge right below the giant screen of the Alabang Twin Cinemas. Nagpapadulas kame to our hearts’ delight until the movie was about to start.
    
    
22. Ang first exposure ko sa media ay nung Grade 5 ata ako. We were shopping sa Alabang Town Center at nagkataong may FM radio station na nag-la-live broadcast doon. Part nung program nila ang maglibot ng mga shops to find people who bought something from any of the shops there. Those chosen were brought to the DJ’s booth and were interviewed on air. May gift checks pa na premyo.My Tita and I were in Osh’Kosh B’Gosh kasi bibilhan niya yata yung babae niyang inaanak ng sweater. Napili kaming manalo and I was interviewed on air. They asked my name and where I lived and I replied naman. Booming all over the mall pa yung boses ko dahil sa higanteng speakers. “Do you always shop there?” daw. Pabibong “Yes!” naman ang sagot ko. Okay na sana kaso pinabuksan yung shopping bag, at nakita tuloy nila ang purple at pink striped-furry sweater na binili ng Tita ko, na palagay ko e inakala nilang akin. Buti di balahura yung DJ, nag-walang kibo na lang.

    Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, tinawagan pa ko ni Ronald (Alejandro). We were neither in the same class nor in speaking terms at that time, but he called to

    tell me that he heard me on the radio. O di ba, sikat pa rin! 

23. When we advanced to Grade 5, we really felt like we’ve grown. First time kase na nasa second floor na yung classrooms namin. That really made an impact on me. Much more so because one recess, while a sea of Grade 5 pupils were rushing down out of the main building, I tripped and fell head-first down the stairs. It felt like in a second, nasa first landing na ko.I don’t remember feeling hurt, but I

    remember pretending I was unconscious out of humiliation. Ang mababait ko namang batchmates, tulong tulong akong kinarga papunta sa clinic, kung saan naghimatay-himatayan ako till recess was over. 

24. May ilang beses during grade school when our school service will either leave me behind or forget I was riding with them. Dahil wala naman akong pera at di marunong mag-commute, I end up walking from Zobel hanggang sa labasan ng Ayala Alabang. At di biro yon sa isang payatot na tulad ko. Una, mainit ang araw. Pangalawa, talagang malayo siya. Minsan nga, habang naglalakad, iniiyak ko na lang e…
    
    
25. My first brush with ‘death’ was in Grade School.On Fridays, yung driver and conductors ng school service namin would pick us up from Zobel an hour before dismissal so they can play basketball at the court beside our school. One time, our school club dismissed us early, so I was able to hang out and watch them play.

    In the middle of the game,

    bumagsak na lang bigla yung driver namin. Inatake sa puso. Buti na lang, marunong ring mag-drive yung isang konduktor. Tulong tulong naming dinala sa likod ng fiera yung body ng driver namin (he was overweight). He was flopped on to the floor of the school service, at dahil kaskas sa pagmamaneho yung conductor, our driver’s body was rolling side to side, at ako lang yung nasa likod para magbantay. I was scared witless, I couldn’t even keep a hold on his body to keep it from rolling all over.We got to the hospital, but he still died eventually.

26. Grade 5 ulit. After mag-“may I go out,” I was running down the hallway back to my class. You remember back then how after being stuck in a boring classroom the whole afternoon, a quick break to the comfort room felt ever so liberating? Well, ako, tumatalon at kumakandirit pa ko sa empty hallway pabalik sa room. Ganon ako kasayang makalabas ng classroom.I was delayed when the door to the classroom beside ours swung outward unexpectedly, stopping a speeding little Raz dead on his tracks. The guy who

    opened that door really thought I was dead, cause I was knocked down. Akala ko noon artistic license lang yung stars na nakikita ng cartoon characters pag nauuntog o nababangga. Totoo pala. Nandilim ang paningin ko at lumutang ako with stars for a few seconds.Napahaba tuloy ang bathroom break ko dahil pinadiretso ako nung teacher sa isang classroom sa clinic. Pag balik ko sa classroom namin, pinagalitan ako ng Christian Living teacher namin dahil ang tagal ko daw nawala. Saka lang niya napansin ang little mole hill of a bukol throbbing on my forehead. But no! That elicited no compassion. The rest of the period was used para pangaralan ang klase, gamit ako bilang ma

    samang ehemplo. 

27. When my dad first ran for mayor sa liblib na probinsya namin sa Cavinti, Laguna, his advisers thought it would be cute to have me deliver a speech in his baranggay ‘pa-meetings,’ being his only child and all. Syempre, walang say ang musmos na katulad ko, kaya pinapag-memorize ako ng talumpating paulit-ulit kong dineliver sa 10 of the 19 baranggays, including the grand Miting de Avance.Ewan ko ba sa mga yon, akala siguro mas impressive. Ang pinamemorize sa akin, English speech. Syempre, probinsyano mga tagapakinig namin. Karamihan magsasaka… Tuloy, para kong nakikipag-usap sa kawalan. Pumapapalakpak lang sila pag nag-bow na ko. Ganon pa man, I was always congratulated and praised afterwards. Isang beses, pagbaba ko ng stage, may nadaaanan akong dalawang matanda. Panay ang palakpak, at naulinigan ko, tuwang-tuwa sa kin.

    Lola 1: “Ang galing ano?”

    Lola 2: “Ano bang sinabi?”

    Lola 1: “Aywan ko.”

28. During the English Week when we were in Grade 7, nagkaron ng inter-class speech choir competition. Eto yung tipong contest kung saan may certain blocking at choreography ang buong class habang sabay-sabay na nag-dedeliver ng piyesa. E dahil maliit, nasa front row ako lagi. Which I thought was one of the few perks of being my height (kesa naman matangkad na laging nalulugar sa likod ng stage).Seryoso naman yung piyesa ng class namin, pero at one point, naghalakhakan ang audience. Dun kase sa isang part kung saan ang kaliwang kamay namin ay dapat nasa kanang dibdib, nag-mala-“Lupang Hinirang” ako at nabaligtad ko ang choreo. E ako ang katangi-tanging nagkamali, at dahil nasa harap, hindi maipagkakaila.
29. For little boys, aminin man nila o hindi, sobrang nakakatakot ang idea ng pagpapatuli. Palagay ko nga, more than the ritual, kaya naging ‘passage to manhood’ ang circumcision ay dahil sa takot na kinakailangan mong lunukin para harapin yung arburlaryo o doctor. Mine was extra traumatic.Mine was done in a hospital. After proving my courage on the operating table, I was asked to go back every couple of days so they can change the dressing of my little weener. On one of those visits, di available yung doctor ko. So clueless akong naghihintay sa gitna ng emergency room kung saan sinisingit lang naman nila yung minor concerns na katulad ng sa kin. Biglang may nagmalasakit ng doctor na tinanong ako kung anong hinihintay ko. Sabi ko, change dressing lang. May isang female nurse na nakarinig at naaliw. Di pa daw siya nakakakita ng procedure na yon. Yung ibang female nurse na nakatambay, na-interes na rin. They all giggled in excitement and flocked towards me, at ang accommodating doctor na nag-attend sa kin, inialay naman ako for their enjoyment. So he asked me to loosen my puruntong shorts and stretched its garter outward.

    Para tuloy akong featured freak show sa emergency room as those nurses huddled in a circle in front me, stooped down, all looking intently at my crotch. Feeling objectified, napapikit at napatingala na lang ako. Pakiramdam ko ang dumi-dumi ko…

30. I was sick the day they announced the schedule of our Grade School yearbook pictorial. On the day they were taking my picture, wala tuloy akong sarili kong long sleeves at neck tie. Good thing the photographers anticipated times like this and brought their own long sleeves. Yun nga lang, dahil maliit ako, oversized yung long sleeves sa kin. Namamaga pa yung mukha ko dahil galing sa sakit. At dahil basta-basta rin lang naman ang pag-me-make-up nila sa amin, isang lipstick lang ang gamit nila para sa lahat. Walang pakialam kahit na ang complexion ko ay para bang ikinula sa ilalim ng araw. Yung mga labi ko e mas mapula pa sa Washington apples. The photo that came out was beyond words. I swear, para kong dwende. Daig pa yung nasa ceramic miniatures sa hardin nyo.Di na nakarating yung yearbook at yung prints ng litrato sa mga magulang ko. Itinapon ko na siya sa school pa lang. Sinunog ko pa ata yung pictures.

This is strangely therapeutic… Writing it down is acknowledging it. It ends years of pretending those things never happened.

And I thought I didn’t have embarrassing moments to take to the grave. I had a wealth that I figured it wouldn’t hurt to unload some if off. Dear God, sana lang that doesn’t mean I’m freeing up space for more!